Around the World in 180 Days

Today was our last class with the student we tutor and also our going-away party with all the girls. This week has been filled with last minute adventures, errands, emotions, smiles, and goodbyes. It’s still pretty unbelievable that 6 months have gone by since Julie and I clasped hands and boarded our plane to begin this journey.

In our house, we’ve spent the week sharing memories and laughter. I can honestly say there have been (so far) more smiles than tears, and I’m so grateful for that. Ending strong and making space for our departure to be worthy of the relationships we’ve formed here was one of my prayers, and I feel like God has granted it. Thank you for all your prayers at home for us as we transition back to the U.S. We cannot wait to see all of you in person and share more stories from our Cambodia adventure :)

This place and these girls will be in our hearts forever. 

Likes and Dislikes

Throughout the last 6 months here, I've been creating quite a lengthy list of likes and dislikes of Cambodia. While I am forever grateful for both aspects I found it necessary to help you get a better picture of what it's been like to live in Cambodia. Some points can easily fall under both categories but it's too complicated to include them under both. Each of these points represents the people I've met, lives that I've been touched by, experiences shared, and difficulties that have taken place over the last 6 months. I decided to let you in on a few of my favorites. Enjoy :)

What I’ll be missing

-fresh fruit and vegetables

-little children on the side of the street yelling “hello!” every day I pass them by

-getting repairs on my mode of transportation (a bicycle) for $3

-weaving in and out of traffic on our bicycles (with helmets)

-friendly honks from vehicles

-living with Aimee and Jenny in our house

-young children taking care of their younger siblings

-girls’ long straight hair and lots of braids

-seeing the sunrise/seeing all of the people in the city wake up in the early morning

-feeling a breeze that makes the heat just bearable and sustains my ability to breathe

-tuk tuk drivers, enough said

-free delivery

-learning new versions of Uno and yelling MANGO when you win a game

-limited television

-ICA and The Trotter’s

-ice cream song playing in the streets (2 different versions)

-seeing kids and adults of all ages exercise in the wee early morning running, stretching, yoga, dance, etc

-extra large double beds

-naps

-$1 ice cream

-Indian food

-balconies

-walking to the market

-bargaining (sometimes)

-toaster ovens

-abundance of ethnic foods

-small businesses/family owned restaurants

-diversity

-my weaknesses being easily and quickly exposed living in a developing country

What I won’t be missing

-wearing a helmet

-waking up before 6am to run on the streets b/c that’s the ONLY time possible to run in the city

-plugged toilets

-very limited sidewalks and grass

-the raw meat market

-rats

-thick dusty air

-PP traffic and construction

-at least one ant on my body during every point in the day

-men ALWAYS peeing on the side of the road

-hot season and power outages

-untouchable dogs and cats

-biking for 10 minutes in the heat of the day and sweating for the next 3 hours

-water on the street (pretending it is clean)

-language barrier

-bed bugs

-bus rides

-DVDs never working or skipping

-stares and gawks 

Taking It With Us.

Less than a week until we leave and come back home.

For Julie and I, this fact brings up so many conflicted emotions…excitement, fear, sadness, anxiety, stress, shock, joy, confusion, and many others that we can’t even name for ourselves.

This past week, I’ve had the opportunity to engage in something that made me realize simultaneously how much I’ve learned over the past 6 months and how much I still have yet to learn.

On Tuesday, we hosted a group of people over to our house to watch the documentary Nefarious. It was such an amazing experience to watch a sex trafficking film with a group of people who are working in that field. It was a whole new perspective. We sat and dialogued afterwards about the negatives and positives of the film, and I was blown away by the knowledge and wisdom surrounding me. As we discussed all of the things that were wrong with the image it portrayed and then the things that were done well, it was clear to me that we were all still learning. Clearly, Julie and I are at a lower level of involvement and knowledge about sex trafficking, but even those with us, some who are known as key contributors to fighting the issue in Cambodia, were searching to learn more. As we all asked questions and processed out loud, I was struck with how my idea of sex trafficking has changed since I came here and how much I still have to learn about the issue, here in Cambodia and globally as well. It’s a severely complex problem in our world, and it’s even more complex to combat it functionally and realistically.

The image in my head of working in trafficking has been continually changing over the past 6 months. It’s not simply rescuing girls or women, providing shelter and counseling for a few years, and then helping them go out to live on their own safely. It doesn’t always look the same. It doesn’t always target the same people – boys are trafficked and abused too. It’s complex…and the factors that feed into it – poverty, abuse, family dysfunction, cultural expectations, etc. – cannot be easily fixed or smoothed over. Working with trafficking isn’t always a counselor having a therapy session with a teenage girl. Because one thing that I’ve learned is that trafficking is more than sex trafficking. Migrant and domestic workers, orphaned children, those who have been abused, and so many more also make up this elaborate issue across the world.

I’m not writing a paper or preaching a sermon. I simply want to share what wasn’t apparent to me before I came to live here for this short time.

I don’t know if any of you have seen Nefarious or if you plan to. I would encourage you to either watch it or some other film on trafficking. Because of the environment in which I watched this particular movie, I have some questions and criticisms about its content…however, I would encourage you to learn about human trafficking in one way or another, whether it be this movie or some other form of media. Educate yourself in some way about this form of abuse that is happening all over the world – and just maybe in your own neighborhood. Learn something about it…even if it stops there and never builds to the next level. That’s okay. Not everyone is passionate about it or wants to work towards ending it, but it’s important to just be aware of it so that you can see the signs around you and also share what you know with the people around you. Networking and talking about it as a global community is the only thing that will ever make an impact.

Human trafficking is a network. It’s a collaboration of people working together across borders, cultures, religions, languages, and economies. If I didn’t know anything else about it, that would impress and intrigue me. There’s a reason the trafficking industry is the most successful in the world. If you ask me, there’s a lot to be learned from their system. That kind of community and partnering is the same kind of collaboration that I recognize from the church in Acts. Close relationships and shared visions for a great cause instead of an evil one would do much in the way of healing.

I’ve learned more than I realized about this issue since living here, but I have so much more to learn. Every day I take one more step in learning about this issue, the more ignorant and helpless I feel about what I can do to help. It is complex, and I am nowhere near understanding it.

But I’m talking about it. And I want you to talk about it too. 

The Least of These

I’ve been living in Cambodia for 5 months now, and there are still days where I feel as though there’s no place I would rather be while at the same time acknowledging the painful realization that I will never belong here. These two feelings battle within me nearly every day.

There are moments, several times a day actually, where I’m embarrassed, ashamed, or lost. It has become a natural part of my daily life, and as I anticipate coming back to the States in a few weeks, I’m hopeful to think those feelings of confusion, discomfort, apprehension, and worry will cease, but my deepest fear is that it will continue and take on a new form.

I can’t go through the day without feeling an immense amount of despair. Not pity - but pain and hurt for the world, as we know it to be.

These are some of my current struggles and why may you ask am I choosing to share them with you today?

 Community.

When thinking back to my previous whirlwind of an experience traveling around the country of Cambodia for 3 brief weeks, I am now reminded of what originally brought me back to this beautiful country:  the people and the community.

The people of Cambodia are beautiful. Becca and I have shared a few stories of immense generosity and hospitality (do you remember Seng the mango man and our tuk tuk driver Mr. Reim?) Selflessness, tranquility, patience, and giving. Whether we are being prodded to sit down and eat first, being helped by 3 tuk tuk drivers all working together to find our location, or being given 3 pairs of jewelry from the girls in the span of 5 minutes, the desire to give and give generously is embedded in the culture of Cambodia. Now, don’t get me wrong. I know no place, no culture, no people are perfect – each have their own faults and set of unhealthy tendencies, but I appreciate that Cambodians value selflessness.

I also love the people of Cambodia for their gratitude. I’m not the first person to realize that the poorest of people seem to be the most grateful. Why does having less allow us to appreciate life so much more? Even after living here for a short 6 months, I still have no answers. If anything, it makes more logical sense for those with less to be bitter, greedy, and possessive – but the opposite is true.  I find myself having pity on the poorest of the poor.

BUT, recently I have found a new hope. It’s not about things. It’s not about what you own or don’t own, it’s not about what they have or you have. It’s not about stuff. The burden and fear that comes from living on the streets is something I’ll never be able to fully grasp, but the question still arises - why are those who we view as “less fortunate” filled with the most gratefulness? Maybe it’s how we define “less fortunate.”Does it mean the poor, homeless, oppressed, victimized, weak, most vulnerable? Does it mean women, children, or handicapped? I once pitied those who were “less fortunate” until I was asked by a friend, “What specifically causes you to pity them?” The honest truth is that I felt pity because I felt that my life was better than theirs, and I felt guilty about it! I felt superior to them and I didn’t want to!  I was guilty of dehumanizing them and only seeing them in relation to what they had or didn’t have.

There are still moments when the feelings of pity creep into my thoughts. By feeling pity I am still allowing “stuff” to separate me from them, and that’s not what it’s about! But now instead of pity, I’m grateful. Their gratitude in the small and simple things in life leaves me with the same feeling of gratefulness. Their gratitude gives me hope and their acceptance of their own current living conditions helps me accept it as well.    

Community

Since living in Cambodia, I hoped that the city’s sense of community would rub off on me. The only thing I can compare living in Phnom Penh to, is living in a big city with a small town feel. Here are just a few examples of the kind of community here.

• Nearly every house has a balcony. People are always outside sweeping their street, walking, selling various items, working, or just hanging out.  
• There are less physical barriers between people. Even while riding on the streets (being that the most common modes of transportation are motos, tuk tuks, and bicycles) people ride side by side, talk with each other and can even hold on to one another while riding down the roads.
• Overall, Cambodia is a very public place and privacy is not heavily valued.
• Whether it’s 6am or 6pm the early mornings and early evenings are always filled with Cambodians gathering together to do yoga, stretching, dancing, or other forms of exercise in several parks and open areas in the city.
• The entire city coming together to mourn the death of the King Father Sihanouk. They mourned together. For 7 days, they gathered outside the Royal Palace weeping, praying, and paying their respects to his years of service to the people.

And it’s the community here that I have fallen in love with. Selfishly, it’s one of the reasons why I wanted to come back. But I wonder is it that the community here is really so different or is it that I am more open and willing to see it?

I realize that it’s not possible to mimic the exact same type of community I see here in Cambodia, but it is possible to create community within the States. It may look different but it IS possible.      

Your love and support again is SO greatly appreciated. Please continue to pray for conversations to open up, relationships to continue to grow, and for Becca and I’s transitioning period. 

I'll have a caramel frappe.

I'm feeling a sort of "conversation over coffee with a good friend" post today. So hopefully you can settle back and sip along as you read about our latest adventures and learning experiences.
If you don't drink coffee...I can't help you.

Jules and I returned last week from Bangkok -- our Thailand trip. I'm gonna be honest...not being a "city" girl, it was more stressful than I would've hoped. Trying to figure out the 5 different modes of public transportation through what felt like a HUGE city left my shoulders in a big knot. Pretty much the exact opposite of Northeast Ohio -- I'm sure you're shaking your head and laughing that I didn't see that one coming. But we still had fun exploring, making mistakes (a lot of mistakes), and visiting Thailand for the first time.
Some of the observations that I made while we were there: 

• Street food is really good! Fresh fruit juice ranging from orange to pomegranate, noodle dishes galore, and yummy crepes served up on pretty much any sidewalk.
• If you're ever going through the underground train system in Bangkok, a little piece of advice. You cannot push your way through the turn-styles without sliding your token along the sensor first...the Thai subway workers ARE NOT a forgiving species.
• Parks are nice, tranquil places to escape from the hustle and bustle...but keep an eye out for man-eating monitor lizards. In my opinion, they are slowly taking over Thailand and soon there will be a 2:1 ratio with humans.
• The street food vendors were my favorite people I encountered. So joyful and they seem to love food just as much as I do!
• Ordering the cheapest thing on the menu at a coffee shop (an espresso shot) is a great way to use the facility to eat your mini box of Frosted Flakes in peace...however, even if it seems cheapest at first - your stomach will make you pay for it for the rest of the day.
• It's a bad sign in your taxi driver (or every taxi driver) cannot find your hotel.
• It's helpful to learn some of the basic Thai to get around the city...ask me if I did this...
• The Thai people (excluding the subway workers) are nice and helpful. They can tell just from your facial expression and your heavy reliance on your map that you need direction...and most will stop randomly and offer assistance!
• When you cross from Thailand into Cambodia...don't follow the man who will enthusiastically usher you into the "fake" Cambodian visa office. Because we had a tip-off from a new friend, thankfully, this was not among our adventures :) 
• It's not a good idea to get on a night bus and realize you're the only white people on it. It's also not a good idea to arrive in Phnom Penh at 4am.

Those are just some of the little things learned from our recent trip. We are now retiring from our Southeast Asia border crossings...I am content to never face another one for a solid decade at least. :)

Our trusty tuk-tuk driver and friend, Mr. Reim came to pick us up at the bus station at 4am so we weren't stranded. He has been one of my favorite relationships formed during the last 4.5 months. He always has a smile on his face and he is very protective of us. When he drops us off, he always waits to make sure we get through our gate safely before he pulls away :) It warms my heart. 

Jules and I had a really cool conversation with him this week while we waited to leave for an event at our church - ICA (International Christian Assembly). He asked us if our church was a Christian one. We said yes. Then he shared with us that he sometimes attends a Christian church held in the Olympic stadium. We also learned that he has two children - a daughter (19) and a son (12). HIs daughter sometimes attends this church with him. She is looking for work in the hotel managment/tourism field, but is having trouble because of her lack of experience since just graduating. I preceded to lament with Mr. Reim about how hard it is to find a job straight out of school without experience to back up a degree -- never would I have thought I would be having this conversation standing next to a tuk tuk in Cambodia :) It was really great to learn more about our friend and build more of a relationship with him beyond the usual "Can you take us to ____?" Please pray that God will give us more opportunities in our remaining time here to reach out and build stronger relationships with the people who have stolen our hearts :) 

I'll take some time to share some events from the past week or so:

Julie and I arrived back from Bangkok to find out that we are now down to ONE student in our English class. One of the girls we tutor each week has now begun beauty school every day, which conflicts with our schedule. There were mixed feelings about this just like last time. We are so happy she could have the opportunity to go to school and learn a trade that she is interested in...one more step for her to be independent and educated. But as you might have guessed, it came as quite a blow to lose half our class in one day. We'll miss her, but we are so proud :) 

Last week, Julie and I woke up around 6am for one of our runs around the streets. We have to wake up that early because the traffic is absolutely impossible after about 7:30. We got all dressed and made our way downstairs. Since it's so early, our landlady is not awake yet either so we have to unlock the gate to get out. The lock on the gate has always been temperamental, but usually one of us can get it open. Julie tried for a good few minutes before admitting defeat and handing the key over to me. I inserted the key and began to fumble it around to get it open. Not 3 seconds later, I was staring at half of a key in my hand. I BROKE THE KEY OFF IN THE GATE LOCK. Becca's crisis mode at 6am is not pretty...if you doubt, just ask Julie. She knows. After miming with our landlady for 5 minutes pointing at the broken key, pointing at the gate lock, and saying "som toe" (sorry in Khmer) about 1000 times...there really wasn't much else to do but head back upstairs. Needless to say, we did not end up running that morning and our gate has a brand new lock on it now...why that sweet woman has not kicked us accident-prone Americans out of her building is beyond me. 

We discovered an amazing "mee-cha" noodle dish sold in Russian Market for $1. That is a great day for anyone!

The school was closed a few days for King Sihanouk's funeral so we spent some time with the girls at the shelter. Within the first 15 minutes there, I had 3 new bead bracelets adorning my wrists and an "engagement" ring made of string and pearls that one girl slipped on my ring finger. When I explained to her that it meant an engagement in the U.S., she responded with "I know." Well okay then...the girl knew what she was doin. However, she also put a ring on Julie's finger, so the motives weren't entirely pure if you ask me.

Well...coffee time is over and I have to run! Thanks for listening to my mindless chattering!

Happy Chinese New Year! :) 

Here Goes Nothing

Ups and down, bumps and bruises, highs and lows these words seem to surround my days here more than ever before.

Provision. Reliance. Trust.

Since coming to Cambodia, I knew things were going to be different. I expected change, newness, and adventure which required a heavy dose of flexibility. I expected things to go wrong; I anticipated conditions to be late. Having this expectation has greatly lowered my worry and anxiety. Though it’s still present, (for the most part) it has been much less than it has been in years. It’s amazing how calm and peaceful you can be when you remove the expectation of obtaining a safe, secure, and easy life.

But now things seem to have come back full swing. The beginning of this week I was swarmed with doubt and worry. 9 weeks is all the time I have left here and that means life will continue on after those 9 weeks. I will start looking for a job in less than a month and with that not only comes a flood of uncertainty but an entirely different world that I’m not sure I want to be a part of: the professional world. It seems right now that anything could happen…or nothing could happen. How will I adjust to living back home? How much am I willing to adjust? What’s going to happen when I return? How long will I be there for? What will I be doing? Where will I be living? Who will I be living with? Will I make enough money to begin to pay back loans? As you can see, once I begin to think about the future (which is necessary), my mind goes on overload and I can’t seem to turn it off.  

One of the biggest concerns I have is my financial situation both here in Cambodia as well as back home. Is seems that more reliance and trust in God will be required when I go back home, compared to all of the time spent planning, preparing, and living in a third world country. It’s not just the uncertainty that scares me, but it’s the dependency on money that terrifies me.   

This week, God directed me towards the Jesus Calling once again. The devotional for the day, January 15, stated  “you are surrounded by a sea of problems but you are face to face with me, your peace. If you gaze too long at the myriad problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens.” Yup, that’s exactly what was happening! Then I read Matthew 6:25-34 which said “therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I was reminded how God provides for even the sparrows that live day by day without storing up food for themselves. I should find comfort in knowing how much more He will provide for me. ALRIGHT, I got it! Heard God loud and clear on that one.

But what does provision mean?

I would never admit this or say it out loud, but If I’m truly honest with myself I live life believing that provision means my problems will be miraculously solved, life will get much easier, and worry will completely be removed. I want provision to mean that the answers to the future will be clearly revealed to me, my problems will be fixed, my life will make sense, or AT LEAST my financial problems will become easier. Then reading Matthew a bit closer, I realized what God does promise in defining provision: His presence. It is through His presence I am able to find peace. Provision does not mean the removal of uncertainty or freedom from pain; it means God promises to meet my needs one day at a time.   

There are enough problems and devastations in this world to drive someone insane. The truth is this world is full of death and horrific disparity; it is much too easy to got bogged down by the mess of the world. If I stare too long at all of my inadequacies or all of the world’s problems, I will drown with burden and despair. My word for the year 2013 is Enough. God is just beginning to reveal to me the meaning of this word. I’m not sure I was ready for it, but here goes nothing.

 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall because it had its foundation on the rock." - Matthew 7:24-25

Highlights of the Week

-going to the ATM in my pajamas tracking down money to give to the plumber

-having a family roll down their window so their baby boy (who couldn’t even speak) could clearly stare and wave at the “white girl”

-attending a powerful church service entirely dedicated to praying for the country of Cambodia

-falling in love with avocado smoothies

-killing 30-40 ants scurrying around in my laptop

 -watching 3 year old children dance to gangnam style on stage at the night market 

A brand new year!

I have never had the need to look past 2012. 2012 was the last year that made any sense at all, and that I was prepared for in any way. I would graduate college in 2012. I knew that I wanted to do that for a really long time, and I thought it was a long time away. It would take forever, right? I had a ton of things to figure out before then, and when I did reach that year, I would be a grown up and I would know who I was and what I would be doing. 

What silly thoughts. 

Now I find myself...past 2012...leaving it in the dust and I have no idea what lies ahead. Ideas are slowly forming...passions and goals are slowly shaping what will be my next year, but it's still hazy. There's still room for change and for the unexpected...always. What will 2013 look like? Who will I be at the end of it? Will my roles be the same or will I have added or lost some of them by the time I'm welcoming 2014? 

Daughter. Sister. Granddaughter. Girlfriend. Friend. Student. 

These basic roles that are attached to me now and that define who I was in 2012...will they still be a part of who I am in 2013? Nothing is definite except for God. Nothing is certain to stay the same or to change in the way that I think it might. So I find myself grasping God's hand. Holding tight to him because the temporary things and the imperfect things of this world might abandon me or let me fall or hurt me or laugh at me in one situation or another. That's what God is showing me. It's not something tragic! It's life...this unending string of moments where emotions and thoughts and actions are made fast and hard. Everything is flexible. Nothing is constant. Except God. Except my Creator who holds me fast and never lets go of my hand. I love him for that. For who he is...not just to me but to everyone with no discrimination. I love the justice and the poetry of him. I love the joy and peace that flows from his hands.

As you can probably tell from this post, I have a complicated relationship with change. 
It's a love/hate relationship that ebbs and flows and never feels certain.
I want and crave new adventures and variety, but I cling to the "way things used to be" and I never want to give things up. I never want to let go of the familiar. 
I want both, which is of course impossible, not to mention selfish, stubborn, and greedy. 
Nevertheless, change is upon me. 
2013 will be another year of new things and change. Which means it's even more important for me to take this time to root myself in God, the only one who is the SAME yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

This year, I was introduced to the idea of choosing one word to cling to throughout the new year. One word to be your sort of theme for the new year. So I started looking forward to what this year will or quite possibly could entail so far...and I thought of what I what I want or need to be to embrace and experience fully all of the new. 

The word I chose is: brave. 

I am scared to move forward into these new areas of life that I have only dreamed about for so long and that are now right in front of me. So I have two choices. Embrace or hide. And I've decided that I want to be brave and embrace this year with excitement and an adventurous spirit. And I know I can do that because God is right there with me; leading me, challenging me, giving me peace, and showing me new and marvelous things. :)