Here Goes Nothing

Ups and down, bumps and bruises, highs and lows these words seem to surround my days here more than ever before.

Provision. Reliance. Trust.

Since coming to Cambodia, I knew things were going to be different. I expected change, newness, and adventure which required a heavy dose of flexibility. I expected things to go wrong; I anticipated conditions to be late. Having this expectation has greatly lowered my worry and anxiety. Though it’s still present, (for the most part) it has been much less than it has been in years. It’s amazing how calm and peaceful you can be when you remove the expectation of obtaining a safe, secure, and easy life.

But now things seem to have come back full swing. The beginning of this week I was swarmed with doubt and worry. 9 weeks is all the time I have left here and that means life will continue on after those 9 weeks. I will start looking for a job in less than a month and with that not only comes a flood of uncertainty but an entirely different world that I’m not sure I want to be a part of: the professional world. It seems right now that anything could happen…or nothing could happen. How will I adjust to living back home? How much am I willing to adjust? What’s going to happen when I return? How long will I be there for? What will I be doing? Where will I be living? Who will I be living with? Will I make enough money to begin to pay back loans? As you can see, once I begin to think about the future (which is necessary), my mind goes on overload and I can’t seem to turn it off.  

One of the biggest concerns I have is my financial situation both here in Cambodia as well as back home. Is seems that more reliance and trust in God will be required when I go back home, compared to all of the time spent planning, preparing, and living in a third world country. It’s not just the uncertainty that scares me, but it’s the dependency on money that terrifies me.   

This week, God directed me towards the Jesus Calling once again. The devotional for the day, January 15, stated  “you are surrounded by a sea of problems but you are face to face with me, your peace. If you gaze too long at the myriad problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens.” Yup, that’s exactly what was happening! Then I read Matthew 6:25-34 which said “therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I was reminded how God provides for even the sparrows that live day by day without storing up food for themselves. I should find comfort in knowing how much more He will provide for me. ALRIGHT, I got it! Heard God loud and clear on that one.

But what does provision mean?

I would never admit this or say it out loud, but If I’m truly honest with myself I live life believing that provision means my problems will be miraculously solved, life will get much easier, and worry will completely be removed. I want provision to mean that the answers to the future will be clearly revealed to me, my problems will be fixed, my life will make sense, or AT LEAST my financial problems will become easier. Then reading Matthew a bit closer, I realized what God does promise in defining provision: His presence. It is through His presence I am able to find peace. Provision does not mean the removal of uncertainty or freedom from pain; it means God promises to meet my needs one day at a time.   

There are enough problems and devastations in this world to drive someone insane. The truth is this world is full of death and horrific disparity; it is much too easy to got bogged down by the mess of the world. If I stare too long at all of my inadequacies or all of the world’s problems, I will drown with burden and despair. My word for the year 2013 is Enough. God is just beginning to reveal to me the meaning of this word. I’m not sure I was ready for it, but here goes nothing.

 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall because it had its foundation on the rock." - Matthew 7:24-25

Highlights of the Week

-going to the ATM in my pajamas tracking down money to give to the plumber

-having a family roll down their window so their baby boy (who couldn’t even speak) could clearly stare and wave at the “white girl”

-attending a powerful church service entirely dedicated to praying for the country of Cambodia

-falling in love with avocado smoothies

-killing 30-40 ants scurrying around in my laptop

 -watching 3 year old children dance to gangnam style on stage at the night market