Here Goes Nothing

Ups and down, bumps and bruises, highs and lows these words seem to surround my days here more than ever before.

Provision. Reliance. Trust.

Since coming to Cambodia, I knew things were going to be different. I expected change, newness, and adventure which required a heavy dose of flexibility. I expected things to go wrong; I anticipated conditions to be late. Having this expectation has greatly lowered my worry and anxiety. Though it’s still present, (for the most part) it has been much less than it has been in years. It’s amazing how calm and peaceful you can be when you remove the expectation of obtaining a safe, secure, and easy life.

But now things seem to have come back full swing. The beginning of this week I was swarmed with doubt and worry. 9 weeks is all the time I have left here and that means life will continue on after those 9 weeks. I will start looking for a job in less than a month and with that not only comes a flood of uncertainty but an entirely different world that I’m not sure I want to be a part of: the professional world. It seems right now that anything could happen…or nothing could happen. How will I adjust to living back home? How much am I willing to adjust? What’s going to happen when I return? How long will I be there for? What will I be doing? Where will I be living? Who will I be living with? Will I make enough money to begin to pay back loans? As you can see, once I begin to think about the future (which is necessary), my mind goes on overload and I can’t seem to turn it off.  

One of the biggest concerns I have is my financial situation both here in Cambodia as well as back home. Is seems that more reliance and trust in God will be required when I go back home, compared to all of the time spent planning, preparing, and living in a third world country. It’s not just the uncertainty that scares me, but it’s the dependency on money that terrifies me.   

This week, God directed me towards the Jesus Calling once again. The devotional for the day, January 15, stated  “you are surrounded by a sea of problems but you are face to face with me, your peace. If you gaze too long at the myriad problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens.” Yup, that’s exactly what was happening! Then I read Matthew 6:25-34 which said “therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I was reminded how God provides for even the sparrows that live day by day without storing up food for themselves. I should find comfort in knowing how much more He will provide for me. ALRIGHT, I got it! Heard God loud and clear on that one.

But what does provision mean?

I would never admit this or say it out loud, but If I’m truly honest with myself I live life believing that provision means my problems will be miraculously solved, life will get much easier, and worry will completely be removed. I want provision to mean that the answers to the future will be clearly revealed to me, my problems will be fixed, my life will make sense, or AT LEAST my financial problems will become easier. Then reading Matthew a bit closer, I realized what God does promise in defining provision: His presence. It is through His presence I am able to find peace. Provision does not mean the removal of uncertainty or freedom from pain; it means God promises to meet my needs one day at a time.   

There are enough problems and devastations in this world to drive someone insane. The truth is this world is full of death and horrific disparity; it is much too easy to got bogged down by the mess of the world. If I stare too long at all of my inadequacies or all of the world’s problems, I will drown with burden and despair. My word for the year 2013 is Enough. God is just beginning to reveal to me the meaning of this word. I’m not sure I was ready for it, but here goes nothing.

 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall because it had its foundation on the rock." - Matthew 7:24-25

Highlights of the Week

-going to the ATM in my pajamas tracking down money to give to the plumber

-having a family roll down their window so their baby boy (who couldn’t even speak) could clearly stare and wave at the “white girl”

-attending a powerful church service entirely dedicated to praying for the country of Cambodia

-falling in love with avocado smoothies

-killing 30-40 ants scurrying around in my laptop

 -watching 3 year old children dance to gangnam style on stage at the night market 

A brand new year!

I have never had the need to look past 2012. 2012 was the last year that made any sense at all, and that I was prepared for in any way. I would graduate college in 2012. I knew that I wanted to do that for a really long time, and I thought it was a long time away. It would take forever, right? I had a ton of things to figure out before then, and when I did reach that year, I would be a grown up and I would know who I was and what I would be doing. 

What silly thoughts. 

Now I find myself...past 2012...leaving it in the dust and I have no idea what lies ahead. Ideas are slowly forming...passions and goals are slowly shaping what will be my next year, but it's still hazy. There's still room for change and for the unexpected...always. What will 2013 look like? Who will I be at the end of it? Will my roles be the same or will I have added or lost some of them by the time I'm welcoming 2014? 

Daughter. Sister. Granddaughter. Girlfriend. Friend. Student. 

These basic roles that are attached to me now and that define who I was in 2012...will they still be a part of who I am in 2013? Nothing is definite except for God. Nothing is certain to stay the same or to change in the way that I think it might. So I find myself grasping God's hand. Holding tight to him because the temporary things and the imperfect things of this world might abandon me or let me fall or hurt me or laugh at me in one situation or another. That's what God is showing me. It's not something tragic! It's life...this unending string of moments where emotions and thoughts and actions are made fast and hard. Everything is flexible. Nothing is constant. Except God. Except my Creator who holds me fast and never lets go of my hand. I love him for that. For who he is...not just to me but to everyone with no discrimination. I love the justice and the poetry of him. I love the joy and peace that flows from his hands.

As you can probably tell from this post, I have a complicated relationship with change. 
It's a love/hate relationship that ebbs and flows and never feels certain.
I want and crave new adventures and variety, but I cling to the "way things used to be" and I never want to give things up. I never want to let go of the familiar. 
I want both, which is of course impossible, not to mention selfish, stubborn, and greedy. 
Nevertheless, change is upon me. 
2013 will be another year of new things and change. Which means it's even more important for me to take this time to root myself in God, the only one who is the SAME yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

This year, I was introduced to the idea of choosing one word to cling to throughout the new year. One word to be your sort of theme for the new year. So I started looking forward to what this year will or quite possibly could entail so far...and I thought of what I what I want or need to be to embrace and experience fully all of the new. 

The word I chose is: brave. 

I am scared to move forward into these new areas of life that I have only dreamed about for so long and that are now right in front of me. So I have two choices. Embrace or hide. And I've decided that I want to be brave and embrace this year with excitement and an adventurous spirit. And I know I can do that because God is right there with me; leading me, challenging me, giving me peace, and showing me new and marvelous things. :)