The Good and the...Not so Good

Becca and I are just arriving on our 3 week mark. Some days it feels as though we’ve been in Cambodia for such a short time while other days it feels as though we’ve been here for several months already. This past week Becca and I did a lot of work on the previously written curriculum editing, adding, and formatting parts that have already been done. We also had a special dinner at the agency where we played some silly games, listened to the girls sing an awesome rendition of old American pop songs in English, and even learned some hip-hop and traditional Khmer dance moves from the girls. Let’s just say Becs and I could use a few more lessons. :/

One of the highlights of the week was when Becca and I rode around on our newly purchased bikes!!! We cannot explain what an amazing feeling this was to us. Having exercise be a valuable part in both of our lives, we have greatly missed this part of our lives back home. Riding around felt so freeing; it gave us such a huge sense of control, which is definitely something we have been lacking the last 3 weeks. Maneuvering around traffic is quite challenging, but we are excited for this new adventure and to be able to travel on our own. 

Becca and I are constantly learning new things about ourselves, our families, and the world as we know it. It’s strange to believe, but I have felt a huge loss of independence since arriving in Cambodia. I move across the world to a new place not knowing anyone, with no rules, no schedule, and the ability to do whatever I want whenever I want yet when it boils down to it - I am stuck. I can’t drive, I can’t go many places, I can’t communicate. It feels like I can do very little or next to nothing on my own. I was not expecting to feel this dependent on people and places. God has been continually humbling me and revealing my individualistic tendencies. I’ve recently been reading a daily devotional Jesus Calling. Part of the message on October 10 stated, “self-sufficient: to be adequate without God’s help. This is a subtle sin so common that it usually slips by unnoticed. The alternative is to live fully in the present depending on God each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply.”  Becs and I believe that one lesson God is teaching us through this experience is to rely fully on Him in every situation and to learn to be dependent on each other as well. 

Becca and I have both felt a sense of guilt this past week. While we have found a wonderful apartment to stay in, we also recently found out we have a helper that cleans, does laundry, and goes to the market for us once a week. Becca and I feel so spoiled! It seems as though we are doing less here than we would be at home in America. My expectations of coming to Cambodia were nothing like this. I expected to live on the same level and status as the local Cambodians. Yet, the reality is very different. Being Caucasian, I am not only stared, pointed, and gawked at multiple times throughout the day, but I am treated differently both negatively and positively. In the Asian culture, everything seems to be about status. Whites are of higher status; therefore, in many instances treated as royalty. From hotel servers not let me carry huge pieces of luggage up 3 flights of stairs, or always having to eat first at meals…guilt has crept into my life daily. Seeing such drastic extremes in poverty and wealth, only increase my feelings of shame and guilt. Yet, where is my guilt coming from? Why do I feel that I can only serve God when I am suffering? Why do I feel so guilty about going to restaurants, taking care of myself, living in a nice apartment, or having a helper? I believe it’s coming from the deeper root of pride. I want to be the one suffering because then I feel like I am in control. I’m ok with suffering as long as it’s on my terms. As soon as I’m placed in situations that are new, something I didn’t sign up for, I’m left with immense fear and feelings of inadequacy. A post by Amey Victoria Adkins in an article entitled “Wear It Well” (Word Made Flesh) she stated, “it is so simple when the circumstances are ones of my choice. When I choose to put myself in certain conditions. But what about when they are chosen for us? The experiences we invite and the experiences that confront us are survived much more easily if we live in a continued place of learning.” This is my prayer.

The pride within me wants people to be encouraged and strengthened by my actions, by my compassion, by my courage. It’s difficult not to feel guilty for living in a nice apartment and having someone clean. I feel that I do not deserve these things. My individualistic upbringings has imbedded into me that I must earn everything I am given. In this new situation, I’m humbled and drawn to God’s grace. It is not something I have earned or deserved, but God does call me to accept His unconditional love and grace. Yet, when viewing all these things. Becca and I didn’t search out any of them. God placed all of these blessings and gifts in our lives. We should be thankful and grateful, praising Him instead of feeling guilty.

Becs and I also talked about much we feel an extra layer of protection since we’ve been here. Not only with health, safety, and having things run smoothly, but specifically with attitudes. Though we have our fair share of ups and downs, our attitudes have been encouraging, positive, and optimistic. I know that there is no way this would be possible if it weren’t for all the many prayers we are constantly receiving from friends and family. We cannot say thank you enough. A verse from the New Testament comes to mind that references being surrounded by a "great cloud of witnesses." We are so grateful we feel that presence here. Though all areas of the world have both dark and light (good and evil) in some areas, like Cambodia, these distinctions are more exposed. While we feel your prayers so strongly, we have also felt a sense of the spiritual battle that is going on in Cambodia over the hearts of its people. Please pray for God's glory to shine here and also please continue to pray for Becca and I, living and working together, work and adjusting our lives, safety on the roads as we’ll be traveling more on our own biking, and anticipating our new work tutoring in the following week.