The Beauty of Simplicity

Yes, I celebrated Christmas many miles away from home. I didn’t spend Christmas like I have the past 23 years with my family, I didn’t sleep in sleeping bags underneath our Christmas tree with my sisters, I didn’t get woken up by a dog licking my face, I didn’t wake up Christmas morning and share the wonder of Christmas with those closest to me, I didn’t see the faint covering of snow on the ground outside, I didn’t have a Christmas tree with ornaments and lights, I didn’t participate in my family’s traditions of eating way too much food all day long and playing countless games, but I did still celebrate Christmas.

This year I was in Cambodia. This year was different.  I did go for a 5 mile run on the streets seeing the sunrise along the riverfront.  I did serenade the girls we teach with Christmas carols that they surprisingly loved. I did enjoy bargaining in the market for gifts to fill up hand-made stockings for my flatmates. I did sing nearly every Christmas carol I knew of with a group of unknown friends who opened up their home as we joined together to eat, fellowship, and sing songs alongside two violinists. I did have a sleepover under our Christmas tree made out of string and construction paper balloon balls. I did wake up Christmas morning to two friends dear to my heart pouncing on me shouting “It’s Christmas morning!” I did receive more than I could ever want in one small gift alone, I did spend a large sum of the day doing a puzzle. I did help bring a plate of cookies to our landlord and say Merry Christmas in Khmer (kind of). I did see my entire family and join in with Becca’s family for Christmas over skype.

Christmas in Cambodia was unforced. With little to no decorations, lights, signs or symbols, or anticipation of the coming of Christmas, it could easily have been forgotten. Very few people only have one day off, for most it is just another day in the streets of Cambodia. However, there are several good things about Christmas in Cambodia. Since it’s barely celebrated, it is cherished so much more. Christmas is simple and that’s what I enjoyed most about it. We spent a few hours making decorations, a few hours cooking, a day or two of Christmas shopping, and then it was done. Don’t get me wrong, it was challenging for a lot of reasons, but I enjoyed experiencing an uncommercialized not overly done Christmas. People didn’t spend days, weeks, or months in advance excessively planning or preparing, instead it was refreshing, simplistic, and original. This year, I was reminded again that the little things, the rare things are what are most sacred and precious in life. I cherished the simple things surrounding Christmas, because it was limited.

Hope you have had a wonderful time enjoying friends and family and holiday traditions surrounded by the birth of Christ. Merry Christmas from Cambodia!

 

Settling In

Many apologies for not writing sooner.

Recap

It’s been nearly 2 weeks since Becca and I have returned from our first trip. We spent 3 days and nights in the city of Kep, a few hours south of Phnom Penh. This city was quiet, green, open streets, and friendly. We spent some time at the beach, swimming and laying in hammocks along the coast. There was a waterfront view where we got to see a beautiful sunset one evening and even saw several storms on the water. We did some hiking, got a sunburn, and explored. Our favorite moment of the trip was renting a moto and learning how to ride one for the very first time. We road in the empty streets around the outskirts of the city where there were many open fields and lots of greens.

Next we traveled to Phu Quoc which is a Vietnam Island. This island is visible from Kep, but unfortunately involves a very long and strenuous process that includes vans, a border crossing, a boat, and another van ride.  Becca and I felt like we were on our honeymoon as soon as we had arrived. It was pretty tourists, but very beautiful as well. In our 3 days here, we explored the streets and markets, walked along the beach, kayaked in the Gulf of Thailand, and did a little shopping. Our favorite moment was hiking through  a deep forest of trees, plants and streams of water to reach a waterfall.

Overall our trip was very enjoyable and exciting to travel to new places – but truth be told we greatly underestimated the stress level of traveling in South East Asia. We expected to have glitches and several bumps and bruises along the way, but we were not anticipating all the difficulties that surrounded our traveling. We are thankful for our time, but were more than ready to come back to Phnom Penh.

When Becca and I returned to the city, something amazing happened. First, we realized how much we missed Phnom Penh, and how many places and people are now familiar to us. It’s crazy to think how much my world has been flipped upside down and adjusting to new ways of life that have been ingrained in me over the last 23 years – yet how quickly change can take place. Returning to the market after our travels was, surprisingly, not overwhelmed. I didn’t break out in sweat. I wasn’t nervous or flustered. Instead, I felt much more comfortable, not feeling like I was being cheated on each item I was buying. When I made a language mistake I stayed calm. It was wonderful. In all honesty, I never thought I would get used to shopping here in the market. What a great surprise to return home to!

Tutoring

Tutoring has been going really well. We had a few emotional and behavioral issues last week, so Becca and I decided to make one class into a fun day. With a combination of lots of patience and laughter, the girls began to break down their walls. Having them braid our hair and teach us Khmer words, resulted in lots of laughter. It’s amazing what can take place through spending time and truly enjoying each other’s company. The day further developed our relationship with the girls. Since then, our time has been much better, and we are now teaching them personal pronouns.

There’s Always Something New to Learn

I came across this quote that says, “I designed you to need me…rejoice in your neediness which enables you to find intimate completion in me.” Our relationship with God is based on our dependence on Him. It’s not a part of the relationship but it encompasses every aspect. I’m constantly reminding myself that dependency is not a sign of weakness; it is a gift. I should NEVER be ashamed of my dependency or need of God, but instead embrace the way God has designed me to need.

Highlights of the Week

-successfully removing (not killing) a gecko from our bedroom at 11pm with lots of screams and a jump rope :)

-decorating our apartment with cut out snowflakes, Christmas garland chains, and Merry Christmas signs

-running the longest distance since being here - 4.5 miles

-celebrating Becca’s half birthday

-feeling like a true Cambodian helmetless riding 3 people on a moto for 40 minutes

-getting a big hug from one of our previous tutoring students we haven’t seen in a few weeks

-spending lots of time together with our roommate, Aimee - decorating, baking, trying new foods, movies, laughter, and meaningful conversations.

I want to leave you with the December 9 devotional from “Jesus Calling.”

“Be willing to go out on a limb with me. If that is where I am leading you, it is the SAFEST place to be. Your desire to live a risk-free life is a form of unbelief. Your longing to live close to Me is at odds with your attempts to minimize risk. You are approaching a crossroads in your journey. In order to follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your tendency to play it safe.

                Let me lead you step by step through this day. If your primary focus is on Me, you can walk along perilous paths without being afraid. Eventually, you will learn to relax and ENJOY the adventure of our journey together. As long as you stay close to Me, My sovereign Presence protects you wherever you go.” 

Quiet My Soul.

I am thanking God for this time in Cambodia and for the ability to rest.

This journey to Cambodia has given me such an opportunity to pause from my regular life, to breathe, and to center myself in him. I have learned so much about myself since coming here...really since deciding to come here...and never did I expect to grow as much as I have in such little time. There have been so many moments of indecision and uncertainty. So many times when I dig deep and find nothing. And those moments have been when I see God's steady hand offered to me and realize that it has been there the whole time. That I have been blindly and stubbornly pushing it away until that moment. In those moments, I find myself quiet before God, honest and owning my brokenness, sins, and shortcomings. In that stillness is when I know that I will never be enough for this world, but I am always enough for God. He anticipates my failures and shows me through them that I was created to desperately need him. 

God created me to be inadequate without him, and I am praising him for that this week. 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."  2 Corinthians 4:7

One of the cafes that we sometimes work from during the week is named Jars of Clay. I had forgotten where this was referenced in the Bible and its meaning until Julie stumbled upon it this week in her reading and she shared it with me. Her Bible had a commentary that explained the fact that Paul used clay jars as an example because they are simple and less than satisfactory in their appearance. The fact that I am inadequate and simple in appearance shows God's power in me all the more clearly. It is not by mistake that he made me inadequate and incapable on my own...it is for his glory to be known and so that I can learn to be dependent despite my stubbornness. 

I am beautifully inadequate in him. 

Bo Ding

Here it is. One of the biggest brothels in Phnom Penh. Bo Ding. Right off a main road, it seems to stretch for a painful eternity. Even if it is a brilliantly sunny day, it doesn't seem to reach this place. This building doesn't hide its darkness. It's exposed so clearly to us and yet it's passed by thousands all day without a second glance. As we pass by, we battle within our hearts whether to shut down and become numb or to use the breaking of our hearts to find strength and take action. 
To local Cambodians, it is just another industry. The sex trade is a way of life and offers to many the hope of a decent wage. It is normal and common. Just another street...just another building.

"If this is so, then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials and to hold the unrighteous for punishment on the day of judgement." 2 Peter 2:9 

More Than Enough

Tutoring
Becca and I now have had 6 days of tutoring! Due to one of the workers not feeling well, we weren't able to begin tutoring until Wednesday of last week. We bike to work every day and tutor with 2 girls for an hour. This hour is very special to us. The first day was unforgettable. Becs and I had discussed what we were planning on accomplishing the first day, but when the time came and we were both alone in a room with two unknown girls whose names we weren't able to pronounce correctly without being corrected, I felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness. What had I gotten myself into? It wasn't the nerves, I just had no idea what to say or do. I am not a teacher. The first 15 minutes felt like an eternity. The girls were extremely nervous and giddy which only increased my own emotions of nervousness and apprehension. Just exchanging names and trying to show them a few pictures of friends and family back home - I felt completely inadequate. As much as I despise these moments, God reveals Himself to me in such a beautiful way. Reminding me it's all about Him. In these moments of deep inadequacy, I am forced to FULLY rely on God. Even for a moment, even for an hour, even for one small aspect of my life. It is here where 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 comes to life. The book Jesus Calling  says, "True confidence comes from knowing you are complete in my Presence." I can stand tall, speak loud and clear, and know that even when I fail, even when I fall apart, I can have confidence knowing that I am STILL in God's presence. Later that day, God pointed me to Exodus 36:7 "...because what they already had was more than enough to do all the work." Since God is living inside of me even when I don't feel it or see it or comprehend it, I MUST BELIEVE the promises of God are true out of faith. If God is living inside of me, I have the power to do so much more than I can even begin to fathom. 

Becca and I figured things out as we went and the girls, 15 and 18 years old, were absolutely wonderful. They want to learn - which makes a huge difference! We laughed and smiled and even learned some new Khmer words. My cheeks hurt after our first day of tutoring because I couldn't stop smiling and laughing for an hour straight! We have had a translator in and out of our classroom, but from now on it will just be Becca and I. In the last 6 days we have been teaching them the ABCs, numbers, colors, and basic conversations. Every day except Fridays, Becca and I will teach these girls basic English and come up with our own lesson plans. Becca and I are absolutely thrilled to spend an hour each day with these girls. It is a joy and blessing to be with them, and we are so excited to learn and grow with them. 

ICA-International Christian Assembly
This is the church Becca and I attended last Sunday. A part of me felt at home, while another part felt strange to be in this type of church while in Cambodia. 31 nationalities represented and about 400-500 people. A worship band, English speaking congregation, air conditioning, and a pretty charismatic church for Cambodia. It was one of the only places we have felt we could be ourselves - not being stared at, pointed at, or judged. How beautiful - to walk in to a church and feel at home. The music was great and the sermon was both convicting and empowering, but the people we met on the way were what really made it feel like home. 

We were able to hitch a ride to the church with Jonathan Trotter and half of his family, son and daughter. From our first conversation, I almost immediately respected and admired their family. Sharing his story of coming to Cambodia, his path of work, and desire to minister to street kids, he was extremely friendly and authentic. His wife and him were missionaries and had a mini van, a house, and 4 kids to take care of all under the age of 10. What drew me to the family was their contentment. After being in Cambodia for only 9 months and taking Khmer lessons 5-6 hours every day, he said, "even if things didn't work out and we had to move back to the States tomorrow, I would still be grateful for the chance to come here. The time before we arrived and my experience since living here has changed me. I have grown and I am not the same person I was before." Such honesty and contentment bubbled over inside of him. The way he spoke and responded to his kids was beautiful. Not speaking down to them or talking to them on a lower level, but speaking to his kids the same way he spoke to adults. 

This family began a difficult but necessary conversation between Becca and I discussing the implications of being in Cambodia for such a short amount of time. 6 months is all I can handle right now, but 6 months seems like nothing. Even before leaving for Cambodia, God was teaching me about the importance of true community - both inward and outward. Everything seems to come back to relationships and commitment. Even before leaving I questioned what I could really do in 6 months? Is there even a difference I can make in that short period of time? Whether talking about an organization or people, change and growth takes place through long term investment in the lives of others. It just takes time. So what am I doing here? Logically lifelong relationships and long-term commitments are the "ideal." That is where true change and growth can take place and community is developed. If I do believe that, then why did I agree to come to Cambodia for 6 months? We talked about this for awhile and concluded that this is all true - YET God does not always work in ways that are logical. Logically, it makes sense that if I were in Cambodia for 3 years I could contribute much more than I could if I were only here for 3 weeks. However, God is not limited to what is logical. Now, I"m not saying this is always true or never true, but I am saying God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes those  friendships we have for a few short months are more impactful and life-changing than the friendships we have had for years or even those within our own families. Though a strong part of me believes that coming here for 6 months seems useless, wasteful, and selfish, I am reminded that God is not limited. Nothing is impossible; I must refuse to put any form of limitation on God, his abilities  and his movement. 

A New Friend: Seng
A highlight of this week took place as Becca and I rode back on a tuk tuk one afternoon. She noticed Seng on the side of one of the streets we passed, our mango friend we haven't seen in 3 weeks. I got excited and waved not realizing he thought I was flagging him down. I thought he was going to get on his moto and follow us but I didn't see him. Becs and I laughed about how funny that would be if he followed us all the way to our apartment. While we were about 3-4 blocks from our apartment, here comes Seng waiving his arms in the air. He had followed us! I was SO pleased - yet a bit hesitant. I didn't mean to wave him down, I just was excited to see him. It was too late now, he had followed us for so long we HAD to buy mangos now. I was facing Seng as we continued to ride, as he had a giant grin on his face - such a genuinely happy man. We stopped and got out at our apartment and he came over speaking the tiny bit of English that he knows to us. We were happy to see Seng since we hadn't seen him in such a long time. Remembering we had 5 mangos in the fridge, we were only planning on buying 3. However, Seng gave us his business card and persisted to give us 6 mangos and told us there was no charge! We were thrilled, ecstatic, and overjoyed by surprise! Seng a man who sells mangos all day; that's all he has. Mangos day in and day out...mangos, mangos, mangos. Yet - he gives us such a special gift; he gives us the only thing he has - mangos. I was so happy to see Seng and his smiling face, but to have received such a gift from him - I will never forget this man's act of kindness. 

Some highlights of the week
-they taught the first day of the life skills curriculum Becca and I have been working on
-heavenly and dangerous discovery: there's a night-time ice cream stand less than 2 blocks away that has very cheap ice cream! (Usally ice cream is rare and expensive.)
-God reminding me that it's still me - I'm still here and I haven't run away from myself
-discovering our favorite tuk tuk driver named Mr. Rith. He looks just like a gently caring father.
-seeing a movie called "Enemies of the People" a documentary interviewing the top leaders during the Khmer Rouge
-having our first "bad" meal - yet still not getting sick!

Prayer Requests
Prayer requests include God continuing to open up our hearts and minds. Every day it is a battle to put ourselves out there and not be afraid to fail. It will and does happy (quite frequently), but life moves on and God uses our failures to teach us new things. Pray that our fear of failing or thoughts of inadequacy won't prevent us from doing God's work. Pray that Becca and I will be able to build trust with the girls we are tutoring and begin to somehow show God's love to them through our teaching and interactions. Please also continue to pray for Becca and I's health as we are right in the middle of Dengue season. 

THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU ALL! 

Always Learning

First, to start off with some pictures!

Our bikes!! We love riding around the city with them!

The memorial for King Norodom Sihanouk outside the Royal Palace. 

 Some of the wonderful fresh fruit available at the market!

A beautiful sunny day here in Phnom Penh :) 

Enjoying a stroll around the park.

The end of a month here in Cambodia has brought along the next "phase" of living in a new culture. Frustration. Just getting annoyed with...well Cambodia. It sounds awful, and I want to automatically shame myself into acting and feeling the way I think I'm supposed to. I have these expectations...these pictures in my mind that I dreamt up before we got here of how well I would handle the transition and how I would love every minute of being here. Sad to say that those expectations are not 100% coming true.

Don't get me wrong -- I love this country. I love that I'm here, and I love that I get to be here for 6 months. I have even come to love some people I have met since arriving. But I also have moments...and sometimes whole days...where the culture of Cambodia and the unfamiliar feeling of it still just gets under my skin. I feel ashamed even writing it, but it's true.

I've decided to call it "sensory overload." It starts as soon as I walk out the door of our apartment and usually ends when I walk back in. It's just everything. The smells that immediately assail me and never really go away. The heat that makes it impossible for me to function and makes my entire body grow a layer of sweat. The yells and claps of tuk tuk and moto drivers trying to get my attention always and forever -- these guys are persistent. The market is an entirely different kind of sensory overload, and I'm not even gonna get into it. :) 

I know that these feelings are natural. I was told I would have them before we came. And I'm being honest about having them now. But none of that makes it any easier to adjust and to change perspective. The only thing I can think of is to just pray that God will not allow this "phase" to take away our joy and love for Cambodia and for this adventure. That it would not last, and we would constantly be able to see clearly our skewed perspectives. We would covet your prayers about this as well. Also, please keep the start of our English tutoring sessions in your prayers! We will hopefully be starting tomorrow!

On a brighter note, some highlights of our week were: attempting and succeeding at making Cinnamon Oatmeal cookies in our tiny toaster oven, vanquishing an entire army of tiny ants that invaded the living room, practicing some Khmer words during our ventures around town, making banana ice cream in our blender, and the number ONE highlight of the week was getting to lead a fun session of charades with the girls at the agency! SO fun and loved getting to spend time with all of them again!!

This week I read the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. It was incredible! I don't know if any of you have read that book before -- it's not new by any means, but I just got around to reading it and was blown away. It is such a powerful testimony of courage, wisdom, death, love, friendship, and advice. I ended up writing down 4 pages of quotes from it, but one of the most influential to me was from page 136: "I believe in being fully present. That means you should be with the person you're with. When I'm talking to you now, I try to keep focuses only on what is going on between us. I'm not thinking about something we said last week. I am not thinking of what's coming up this Friday. I am talking to you. I am thinking about you."

Being present has been rough since coming to Cambodia. Half of me is missing home and the people I love and wanting to fixate on only being here a short time and going back soon. The other half of me is loving this experience and loving the sweet people I am meeting and learning the language and making the most of every minute. These two halves are battling it out for top priority all the time it seems. And it's been hard to find a healthy balance. Being present in every situation. When I'm working on curriculum, being present and thinking about the girls and my time here. When I'm skyping or emailing my loves at home, being present with them and soaking up every word. I feel like the act and discipline of being fully present has been lost in so many ways through technology and the fast pace of society and the obsession with time in general. I'm praying that God will teach me to be fully present while I am here -- and in every aspect of my life. That I will give myself wholly to whatever I am doing in the moment, and I will be able to make each person I encounter feel that undivided attention and love. That's how I feel whenever I come before God, and that's exactly how I want to live. 

The Good and the...Not so Good

Becca and I are just arriving on our 3 week mark. Some days it feels as though we’ve been in Cambodia for such a short time while other days it feels as though we’ve been here for several months already. This past week Becca and I did a lot of work on the previously written curriculum editing, adding, and formatting parts that have already been done. We also had a special dinner at the agency where we played some silly games, listened to the girls sing an awesome rendition of old American pop songs in English, and even learned some hip-hop and traditional Khmer dance moves from the girls. Let’s just say Becs and I could use a few more lessons. :/

One of the highlights of the week was when Becca and I rode around on our newly purchased bikes!!! We cannot explain what an amazing feeling this was to us. Having exercise be a valuable part in both of our lives, we have greatly missed this part of our lives back home. Riding around felt so freeing; it gave us such a huge sense of control, which is definitely something we have been lacking the last 3 weeks. Maneuvering around traffic is quite challenging, but we are excited for this new adventure and to be able to travel on our own. 

Becca and I are constantly learning new things about ourselves, our families, and the world as we know it. It’s strange to believe, but I have felt a huge loss of independence since arriving in Cambodia. I move across the world to a new place not knowing anyone, with no rules, no schedule, and the ability to do whatever I want whenever I want yet when it boils down to it - I am stuck. I can’t drive, I can’t go many places, I can’t communicate. It feels like I can do very little or next to nothing on my own. I was not expecting to feel this dependent on people and places. God has been continually humbling me and revealing my individualistic tendencies. I’ve recently been reading a daily devotional Jesus Calling. Part of the message on October 10 stated, “self-sufficient: to be adequate without God’s help. This is a subtle sin so common that it usually slips by unnoticed. The alternative is to live fully in the present depending on God each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply.”  Becs and I believe that one lesson God is teaching us through this experience is to rely fully on Him in every situation and to learn to be dependent on each other as well. 

Becca and I have both felt a sense of guilt this past week. While we have found a wonderful apartment to stay in, we also recently found out we have a helper that cleans, does laundry, and goes to the market for us once a week. Becca and I feel so spoiled! It seems as though we are doing less here than we would be at home in America. My expectations of coming to Cambodia were nothing like this. I expected to live on the same level and status as the local Cambodians. Yet, the reality is very different. Being Caucasian, I am not only stared, pointed, and gawked at multiple times throughout the day, but I am treated differently both negatively and positively. In the Asian culture, everything seems to be about status. Whites are of higher status; therefore, in many instances treated as royalty. From hotel servers not let me carry huge pieces of luggage up 3 flights of stairs, or always having to eat first at meals…guilt has crept into my life daily. Seeing such drastic extremes in poverty and wealth, only increase my feelings of shame and guilt. Yet, where is my guilt coming from? Why do I feel that I can only serve God when I am suffering? Why do I feel so guilty about going to restaurants, taking care of myself, living in a nice apartment, or having a helper? I believe it’s coming from the deeper root of pride. I want to be the one suffering because then I feel like I am in control. I’m ok with suffering as long as it’s on my terms. As soon as I’m placed in situations that are new, something I didn’t sign up for, I’m left with immense fear and feelings of inadequacy. A post by Amey Victoria Adkins in an article entitled “Wear It Well” (Word Made Flesh) she stated, “it is so simple when the circumstances are ones of my choice. When I choose to put myself in certain conditions. But what about when they are chosen for us? The experiences we invite and the experiences that confront us are survived much more easily if we live in a continued place of learning.” This is my prayer.

The pride within me wants people to be encouraged and strengthened by my actions, by my compassion, by my courage. It’s difficult not to feel guilty for living in a nice apartment and having someone clean. I feel that I do not deserve these things. My individualistic upbringings has imbedded into me that I must earn everything I am given. In this new situation, I’m humbled and drawn to God’s grace. It is not something I have earned or deserved, but God does call me to accept His unconditional love and grace. Yet, when viewing all these things. Becca and I didn’t search out any of them. God placed all of these blessings and gifts in our lives. We should be thankful and grateful, praising Him instead of feeling guilty.

Becs and I also talked about much we feel an extra layer of protection since we’ve been here. Not only with health, safety, and having things run smoothly, but specifically with attitudes. Though we have our fair share of ups and downs, our attitudes have been encouraging, positive, and optimistic. I know that there is no way this would be possible if it weren’t for all the many prayers we are constantly receiving from friends and family. We cannot say thank you enough. A verse from the New Testament comes to mind that references being surrounded by a "great cloud of witnesses." We are so grateful we feel that presence here. Though all areas of the world have both dark and light (good and evil) in some areas, like Cambodia, these distinctions are more exposed. While we feel your prayers so strongly, we have also felt a sense of the spiritual battle that is going on in Cambodia over the hearts of its people. Please pray for God's glory to shine here and also please continue to pray for Becca and I, living and working together, work and adjusting our lives, safety on the roads as we’ll be traveling more on our own biking, and anticipating our new work tutoring in the following week.